Empowering Square Peg Teens

Teens feel most successful when they see their accomplishments reflected in the eyes of the people who matter most to them, such as parents, teachers, close peers, and special relatives. Those who feel fundamentally different from their families or classmates, however, such as those who live to act, dance, or sing, but aren’t interested in academics, or creative sorts who write poetry, sculpt, or draw cartoons, but shy away from reading books and writing research papers, may find it hard to get that affirmation.

While more resilient teens might rejoice in their individuality, more vulnerable young people often think of themselves as square pegs in round holes—in other words, as perpetual misfits. Because they perceive their particular talents and interests as neither respected nor valued, square peg teens believe they can’t live up to others’ expectations of success. Tone-deaf teens with musical siblings, klutzes whose families revere athletes, and artsy students who attend academically rigorous schools are all at risk for feeling undervalued. Disheartened, those who believe they can never achieve as others do may give up entirely.

Kids who aren’t conventional often make parents worry. That’s because nonconformity may be associated with unfulfilled dreams. It is also harder for mothers and fathers to relate to and support teens whose interests are unfamiliar or who follow unpredictable paths. For these reasons, parents may not be aware of putting pressure on square peg teens to be more like others, to fit in, or to measure up to siblings.

And yet, young people who don’t follow family scripts for success often do not feel seen for who they really are. To avoid making them feel inadequate or undervalued, parents must be willing to examine—and possibly to modify—their powerful messages about and expectations for achievement. If you’re parenting a teen who feels like a square peg in a round hole, try:

·        Reducing Pressure

Recognizing that there are many paths to success may help you to come to terms with your own anxiety, thereby alleviating your teens’ struggles. You may also remain calmer if you to attend to what is going on in the moment rather than harping on their past failures or making anxious projections about their future success.

·        Avoiding Comparisons

It may seem an obvious “rule” of parenting to avoid comparing your teen unfavorably to siblings, friends, or classmates who look more successful. But in my experience, parents are unaware of doing so. Teens are highly sensitive even parents’ subtlest judgments. Not only won’t this help your teen, but also your appraisals may turn out to be wrong. You actually have no idea if the young people whose talents or achievements you’d like your teen to emulate will actually succeed or whether there are problems lurking beneath their outward accomplishments.

·        Monitoring Your Messages

Be especially mindful of the messages your actions convey to your teens. Be sure your motivations are pure. Young people are skilled at differentiating between parental efforts to truly help them and those that are based on other, less acknowledged motives.

·        Parenting the Teens You Have

Give your teens the ultimate gift: freedom to follow their own dreams rather than trying to please you. Come to terms with a daughter who longs to be on stage rather than in the boardroom or is more motivated by meaning than money. Accept a son who wants to write about sports rather than playing them or is more interested in fashion than function. Then help them pursue their passions in every way possible.

·        Refraining from Refashioning Them

Square pegs are most resilient to stress when mothers and fathers don’t try to transform them into round pegs. Resist the urge to make an average student into an A student, an average athlete into a superstar, or reserved teen into an extroverted leader. It is all too easy to think, “If only…” and to offer whatever remedies you see fit. Yet, to encourage teens’ burgeoning individuality, remind yourself that all kids have a right to explore their unique interests, focus on their true talents, and decide their own futures. Parents who honor teens’ authentic selves can best empower them to become confident, self-reliant, content, and resilient young adults.